About 5 weeks ago, I realised I want to convert to Judaism.
In some ways, this realisation was a very long time in coming. I attended a Catholic primary school which meant, between the ages of 5 and 10, I was taught to pray at least three times a day, attended mass every week, and Catholic ideas filtered into every lesson.
The UK doesn't have separation between church and state, so every school is required to include religious observance in assemblies. By default, this is Church of England, the state religion of the UK, but schools can apply to offer another religious service instead. While Jewish and Muslim schools tend to be criticised and accused of indoctrinating students, to my knowledge, Catholic schools don't garner those kinds of accusations. But that's a rant for another time.
I rejected Catholicism before the age of 10, because it annoyed me. Specifically, the fact that it was internally contradictory and you weren't allowed to talk about why.
For example; why would anyone assume that Jesus' immaculate conception meant that Mary remained a virgin for the rest of her life?* And, having assumed that, why would you not then question the appearance of Mary and Joseph's children in the Gospel of Luke?
*to control women.
For example: why is it so obvious that Ruth and Naomi shared a platonic love? My reading of the Book of Ruth reveals a story about a lesbian couple and a gay man happily co-parenting and everyone deciding to mind their own business about it.
For example: why would you accuse the Jews of killing Jesus? The Gospels describe the idea of a 'Paschal pardon', that the Jewish elders were offered the chance to free a prisoner, and they chose Barabbas instead of Jesus. Firstly, why is choosing Barabbas wrong? That's like saying, if I give my sister a kidney, I've murdered a total stranger who also could have used a kidney. Secondly, the Jews had zero power. I don't care how many times Pontius Pilate washes his hands, the Romans were 100% in charge and responsible for their own actions. The Jews could do nothing. Thirdly, it's outright suspicious that the concept of a Paschal pardon isn't supported by any historical documents outside of the Gospels. It's not even consistent in them - it didn't originally appear in Luke, but was added much later.
...anyway. I couldn't be a Catholic. It made no sense to me.
(Full disclosure; the above points aren't what I remember frustrating me when I was a child, they're things that frustrate me now. I don't remember the specifics of what bothered me, just the feeling that something wasn't adding up and the frustration that no one would talk about it).
But, I missed it. I missed the rituals and the ceremonies and the singing. I missed reading the Bible.
I wasn't actually supposed to read the Bible. Catholics aren't. They're supposed to read the Catechism, i.e., the Pope's interpretation, and go along with that. But someone gave me several children's Bibles, which included the stories of the "old Testament" and I read them. I liked thinking about them and I missed them.
Because I missed those aspects and because I liked reading and interpreting the Bible, I've spent most of the last 25 years identifying as a Bad Catholic. A Catholic by upbringing, but not by belief.
Last February, I started writing for my work newsletter. I started with Purim, which is a Jewish holiday. I knew there was a great deal of overlap between Christianity and Judaism (and Islam, which is why I also wrote those articles) and my co-worker, who is born and raised Jewish, was willing to check that what I wrote was kosher (right, correct).
As I read more about Jewish beliefs, I kept finding myself going, "See, that's what I think. That's why I'm so bad at being a Catholic. Catholics aren't allowed to think that."
I told myself it was an academic interest. That I was being a good ally (and, from feedback, I do still think I'm quite a good ally).
After October 7th, I realised that what I was feeling wasn't what I normally felt as an ally. I wanted to be with the people who felt like me. I wanted to support them. I wanted to stand with them and be seen as one of them.
At some point, I looked up the conversion process, still telling myself my interest was academic.
A few days after that, I woke up and knew I wanted to convert. It felt like when I realised I wanted to marry my fiancé. In hindsight, I can see all the signs creeping up on me, but I didn't feel it growing. The feeling was just there one day, whole and complete and undeniable.
'Convert' doesn't feel like quite the right word. I don't expect to change. I'm not going to become something new. I just want to learn how to express this part of myself. Which, I later learned, does align with how Judaism sees converts - they always had a Jewish soul, they just didn't have anyone to teach them how to be Jewish.
What that means is, I am having a lot of new feelings and thoughts and ideas that I want to share. And since most of those will be linked to the weekly Bible portion (the Parashah), this blog struck me as quite a good place to write about them.
