So, my reservation came in quicker than expected. It seems that the library did go ahead and buy a new copy.
Walter brings up some very interesting points in the book. The first half, on which this post will focus, brought up quite a lot of thoughts, for me. It focuses on the hyper-sexual culture prevalent today, and how this is evidenced through the media and our environments. The second half, which I'm currently only halfway through, focuses on the difference between male and female brains - or rather, the lack thereof. Walter brings up many overlooked studies which contradict the odd anomalies which do show a difference between male and female brains, and which have been lauded by the media.
I should probably make clear at this point that most of this post is based on ideas sparked off from Living Dolls: The Return of Sexism, and does not necessarily represent Walter's views. Rather, it represents mine. It's also going to be very rambly and not very clearly expressed, because I'm rather tired, and have only a vague idea of what I want to say. Onwards!
One thing that Walter discusses is the new fashion for unemotional sexual experiences, which is celebrated as freedom. Sex is celebrated as purely physical enjoyment, as showcased by Sex and the City, and BBC3's new take-off of it, Stanley Park. Walter feels that this has lead many young girls to separate sex and love, and to give up on the idea of finding one partner to spend their lives with.
Just to be clear, I'm not of the opinion that everyone should pair off. Some people are perfectly happy being alone, or in polyamorous relationships, or something else that I can't think of since it's midnight. But, another thing that Walter brings up is that we can't seem to let people make vastly different choices. That is, when young marriage was the norm, those who chose to remain unmarried were ridiculed. Now that a variety of sexual experiences is the norm, those who differ, for instance, by choosing abstinence, are also ridiculed. Real choice would mean the freedom to save yourself until marriage, or to have many sexual experiences, or to choose something in the middle, without being judged for it.
Walter also discussed pornography, and the effect that the internet has had. Internet pornography is far more prevalent than any other kind, and has meant that far more people are exposed to far more images. Walter discusses the effect this has had on modern sexuality, with many people focusing on how sex looks, rather than how it feels, or how kinky it is, especially with such programs as Sex and the City discussing it in such detail, and treating a huge variety of experiences as the norm.
This reminded me a lot of my first ex.
We were both virgins when we met. Part of the reason I had sex with him in the first place was because, it seemed to me that, it would be normal to have a lot of sex when I was older. So, with my high sex drive, I used that idea as justification. That is, one day it would be normal, so why not start now?
He was absolutely awful in bed, but he was convinced that he wasn't. He had eight inches, and could hold back for hours, both of which convinced him that he was god's gift to women. It was the worst sex I've ever had, and I put up with it for a year and a half because I didn't know any better.
He'd gotten his ideas about sexuality from pornography. Pornography which taught him that his size was only to be desired and enjoyed. That hard, rough sex was enjoyable. That bitch was an appropriate epithet. That hours of hard pounding was what made good sex (it isn't, if you're wondering). He also saw oral sex as being a matter of dominance, and refused to perform it as it was "beneath [his] dignity".
We finally broke up after two events. Firstly, I got my first vibrator, and realised what I'd been missing. Secondly, I was pestering him for sex (I've always had a high sex-drive, and since I wasn't getting anything out of it, I became incredibly frustrated) and he said, with a sigh, "all right, you can suck me off if you really want to". He didn't seem to see a problem with that, at all.
He's not the only person I've known with those ideas of sexuality, stolen from pornography, and unrelated to real women. A few weeks ago, a few teenagers decided to hit on me at work. They promised me that they could go for hours, and asked if I'd ever 'gone black'. I wondered why they thought that good sex lasted for several hours (sometimes it can, of course, but more often than not, that becomes very painful).
A coworker, on hearing about my new relationship, also asked if I'd ever 'gone black'. I told him that I had, that it was painful, and that it was not an experience I cared to repeat. More seriously, I told him that it had hurt.
He replied "but that's good!"
It's interesting, this idea of male dominance that that people are getting from pornography, along with the idea of black male dominance/bruality. That was also a theme in American pornography in the last century, the corruption of white by black, according to this essay by Lisa Sigel. There's a curious and disturbing link to violence, and the idea that women enjoy this, that it's all about stamina and timing.
My new relationship, as mentioned above, comes with fantastic sex. Not because it involves a huge variety of positions. Not because it lasts for hours (I lose track of how long it lasts). Because it's obvious how attractive he finds me, and how I find him. That's not because either of us look like porn stars or models - we're both human. And that's part of what makes it good, too. Because we're human, and we like each other, and we're attracted to each other, and we understand each other, and we share a great deal of the same kinks. Because we care about each other, and because we're interested in one another, as people. Because, in short, there's affection, and desire, and affinity, and fun. Because it feels good, not because it would necessarily look good to anyone watching.
Great sex for a camera isn't the same as great sex in your relationship. That's the point I wanted to make.
On a similar note, Walter commented that emotionless sex was something that had become more prevalent in our society, to the point where some young women were rejecting romance and relationships in favour of the next warm body, under the idea that this is normal, this is freedom, this is what they should be doing.
Walter also focused on the rising trend of women who work in the sex industry, as lapdancers, or prostitutes, or glamour models. This is normally celebrated as free choice. However, women who choose not to partake in the hyper-sexual culture, who choose to do other things than go out drinking, or who dress more sedately, are often mocked. I've been told that, as a 21-year-old, I "should" be out drinking every Saturday night. I've been told that "everyone does it" regarding one-night stands. When dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, I've been asked, scornfully, "are you a boy?". Choice also refers to the ability not to partake, without being mocked or derided. It's about being able to deviate from the norm. Simply changing the norm (from a woman's body being the property of her husband to being the property of everyone else) isn't an improvement.
Female politicians, too, are judged more on their looks than their male counterparts. It's become normal for comedians or other media-producers to discuss their sexual desirability, rather than their politics. Women are, in many ways, judged solely on their looks, and deviations from the norm are punished, by men and women alike.
There are little girls who aim to be glamour models, or WAGs - that is, their ambition in life is to be someone's Wife or Girlfriend. Haven't we moved on from that?
Another issue I wanted to cover, which I think I touched upon earlier, was the way in which sex work is becoming normalised and glamourised. Yes, I am in favour of women having the choice to do what they want with their bodies. I am in favour of the aid that legislation would theoretically bring to many women. But, while we're on the issue of choice...
Well, every choice is a cost/benefit analysis. In this hyper-sexual culture, it's perceived as more normal to work in the sex industry, or to dress or behave provocatively, so that all goes on the benefit side. The downsides are the possibility of rape - even books which focus on the positives, such as Miss S's Confessions of a Working Girl, include the lady in question being raped - of violence, and the fact that you are selling your body. Previously, although perhaps less so today, there is the fact that the lady in question has less chance of finding a future partner. There is the fact that they are selling their body.
I think the point I'm going for is that, when things like this are normalised and glamourised, can girls really make an informed decision? When it is insisted that finding this okay is normal, that it's fun, that it's what lots of women do happily, it can be very hard to go against the grain. Walter commented on the fact that, in these books, Confessions of a Working Girl and the infamous Belle du Jour's The Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl, there's an underlying thread of unhappiness, of women fooling themselves. Other books, like Call Me Elizabeth, which is presented as less happy in the first place, also includes the theme of rape and violence against female sex workers.
Women who work in lap-dancing clubs, too, are pressured to go further than they want to. If one girl in a club does, the others are also pressured to do so - because otherwise, they're going home with nothing. Lapdancers aren't paid a flat wage - they pay to rent the stage, and keep whatever they make in tips and dances. Sometimes, this is a negative figure.
Incidentally, there's a fascinating blog on LJ, written by a lady who works as an exotic dancer. She finds the experience very positive, and has the support of her bosses and coworkers in following the rules.
More later maybe, I'm tired and forget where I was going. I think I covered most of it.
Walter brings up some very interesting points in the book. The first half, on which this post will focus, brought up quite a lot of thoughts, for me. It focuses on the hyper-sexual culture prevalent today, and how this is evidenced through the media and our environments. The second half, which I'm currently only halfway through, focuses on the difference between male and female brains - or rather, the lack thereof. Walter brings up many overlooked studies which contradict the odd anomalies which do show a difference between male and female brains, and which have been lauded by the media.
I should probably make clear at this point that most of this post is based on ideas sparked off from Living Dolls: The Return of Sexism, and does not necessarily represent Walter's views. Rather, it represents mine. It's also going to be very rambly and not very clearly expressed, because I'm rather tired, and have only a vague idea of what I want to say. Onwards!
One thing that Walter discusses is the new fashion for unemotional sexual experiences, which is celebrated as freedom. Sex is celebrated as purely physical enjoyment, as showcased by Sex and the City, and BBC3's new take-off of it, Stanley Park. Walter feels that this has lead many young girls to separate sex and love, and to give up on the idea of finding one partner to spend their lives with.
Just to be clear, I'm not of the opinion that everyone should pair off. Some people are perfectly happy being alone, or in polyamorous relationships, or something else that I can't think of since it's midnight. But, another thing that Walter brings up is that we can't seem to let people make vastly different choices. That is, when young marriage was the norm, those who chose to remain unmarried were ridiculed. Now that a variety of sexual experiences is the norm, those who differ, for instance, by choosing abstinence, are also ridiculed. Real choice would mean the freedom to save yourself until marriage, or to have many sexual experiences, or to choose something in the middle, without being judged for it.
Walter also discussed pornography, and the effect that the internet has had. Internet pornography is far more prevalent than any other kind, and has meant that far more people are exposed to far more images. Walter discusses the effect this has had on modern sexuality, with many people focusing on how sex looks, rather than how it feels, or how kinky it is, especially with such programs as Sex and the City discussing it in such detail, and treating a huge variety of experiences as the norm.
This reminded me a lot of my first ex.
We were both virgins when we met. Part of the reason I had sex with him in the first place was because, it seemed to me that, it would be normal to have a lot of sex when I was older. So, with my high sex drive, I used that idea as justification. That is, one day it would be normal, so why not start now?
He was absolutely awful in bed, but he was convinced that he wasn't. He had eight inches, and could hold back for hours, both of which convinced him that he was god's gift to women. It was the worst sex I've ever had, and I put up with it for a year and a half because I didn't know any better.
He'd gotten his ideas about sexuality from pornography. Pornography which taught him that his size was only to be desired and enjoyed. That hard, rough sex was enjoyable. That bitch was an appropriate epithet. That hours of hard pounding was what made good sex (it isn't, if you're wondering). He also saw oral sex as being a matter of dominance, and refused to perform it as it was "beneath [his] dignity".
We finally broke up after two events. Firstly, I got my first vibrator, and realised what I'd been missing. Secondly, I was pestering him for sex (I've always had a high sex-drive, and since I wasn't getting anything out of it, I became incredibly frustrated) and he said, with a sigh, "all right, you can suck me off if you really want to". He didn't seem to see a problem with that, at all.
He's not the only person I've known with those ideas of sexuality, stolen from pornography, and unrelated to real women. A few weeks ago, a few teenagers decided to hit on me at work. They promised me that they could go for hours, and asked if I'd ever 'gone black'. I wondered why they thought that good sex lasted for several hours (sometimes it can, of course, but more often than not, that becomes very painful).
A coworker, on hearing about my new relationship, also asked if I'd ever 'gone black'. I told him that I had, that it was painful, and that it was not an experience I cared to repeat. More seriously, I told him that it had hurt.
He replied "but that's good!"
It's interesting, this idea of male dominance that that people are getting from pornography, along with the idea of black male dominance/bruality. That was also a theme in American pornography in the last century, the corruption of white by black, according to this essay by Lisa Sigel. There's a curious and disturbing link to violence, and the idea that women enjoy this, that it's all about stamina and timing.
My new relationship, as mentioned above, comes with fantastic sex. Not because it involves a huge variety of positions. Not because it lasts for hours (I lose track of how long it lasts). Because it's obvious how attractive he finds me, and how I find him. That's not because either of us look like porn stars or models - we're both human. And that's part of what makes it good, too. Because we're human, and we like each other, and we're attracted to each other, and we understand each other, and we share a great deal of the same kinks. Because we care about each other, and because we're interested in one another, as people. Because, in short, there's affection, and desire, and affinity, and fun. Because it feels good, not because it would necessarily look good to anyone watching.
Great sex for a camera isn't the same as great sex in your relationship. That's the point I wanted to make.
On a similar note, Walter commented that emotionless sex was something that had become more prevalent in our society, to the point where some young women were rejecting romance and relationships in favour of the next warm body, under the idea that this is normal, this is freedom, this is what they should be doing.
Walter also focused on the rising trend of women who work in the sex industry, as lapdancers, or prostitutes, or glamour models. This is normally celebrated as free choice. However, women who choose not to partake in the hyper-sexual culture, who choose to do other things than go out drinking, or who dress more sedately, are often mocked. I've been told that, as a 21-year-old, I "should" be out drinking every Saturday night. I've been told that "everyone does it" regarding one-night stands. When dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, I've been asked, scornfully, "are you a boy?". Choice also refers to the ability not to partake, without being mocked or derided. It's about being able to deviate from the norm. Simply changing the norm (from a woman's body being the property of her husband to being the property of everyone else) isn't an improvement.
Female politicians, too, are judged more on their looks than their male counterparts. It's become normal for comedians or other media-producers to discuss their sexual desirability, rather than their politics. Women are, in many ways, judged solely on their looks, and deviations from the norm are punished, by men and women alike.
There are little girls who aim to be glamour models, or WAGs - that is, their ambition in life is to be someone's Wife or Girlfriend. Haven't we moved on from that?
Another issue I wanted to cover, which I think I touched upon earlier, was the way in which sex work is becoming normalised and glamourised. Yes, I am in favour of women having the choice to do what they want with their bodies. I am in favour of the aid that legislation would theoretically bring to many women. But, while we're on the issue of choice...
Well, every choice is a cost/benefit analysis. In this hyper-sexual culture, it's perceived as more normal to work in the sex industry, or to dress or behave provocatively, so that all goes on the benefit side. The downsides are the possibility of rape - even books which focus on the positives, such as Miss S's Confessions of a Working Girl, include the lady in question being raped - of violence, and the fact that you are selling your body. Previously, although perhaps less so today, there is the fact that the lady in question has less chance of finding a future partner. There is the fact that they are selling their body.
I think the point I'm going for is that, when things like this are normalised and glamourised, can girls really make an informed decision? When it is insisted that finding this okay is normal, that it's fun, that it's what lots of women do happily, it can be very hard to go against the grain. Walter commented on the fact that, in these books, Confessions of a Working Girl and the infamous Belle du Jour's The Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl, there's an underlying thread of unhappiness, of women fooling themselves. Other books, like Call Me Elizabeth, which is presented as less happy in the first place, also includes the theme of rape and violence against female sex workers.
Women who work in lap-dancing clubs, too, are pressured to go further than they want to. If one girl in a club does, the others are also pressured to do so - because otherwise, they're going home with nothing. Lapdancers aren't paid a flat wage - they pay to rent the stage, and keep whatever they make in tips and dances. Sometimes, this is a negative figure.
Incidentally, there's a fascinating blog on LJ, written by a lady who works as an exotic dancer. She finds the experience very positive, and has the support of her bosses and coworkers in following the rules.
More later maybe, I'm tired and forget where I was going. I think I covered most of it.
1 comment:
Wonderfully and readably insightful. I think the question of real choice, as opposed to the swapping of one socially prescribed role for another is the key issue in post-feminism. There is a real danger of sexual liberation coming to mean an exchange of chains.
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