Of the books I've been reading over the past week or two, a few stood out to me. I just finished The Happy Housewife, so I'll talk about that first.
Heleen Van Royen's The Happy Housewife was originally published in Dutch. I read it in English, because I am a sad little monoglot. I can remember buying it; I think I was about fifteen or sixteen, and I got it on special offer in Waterstones for £2.99. It still has most of the sticker on it - that stuff sticks after almost a decade. Going through my unread pile was such a good project; there are some real gems in there, and they've just been sitting there for years, and I could have read them any time, and I never did. I don't know why I didn't. On that note, I've decided that I cannot abide to-do (read/make/cook/watch/listen) lists that I never do anything with, and that just get longer and longer beyond all realistic possibilities. I'm no longer making a point of working through my unread pile, but I am making more of an effort to get through that and my "recipes to make" pinterest, and it's been awesome.
Anyway; The Happy Housewife.
It's written from the point of view of Lea, a formerly happily housewife. She is, for want of a better word, a bitch and I love her. She has a lot of the same thoughts I do - that everyone else is a total idiot, for example - but she just expresses hers, while I tie myself in knots over why my thoughts aren't fair or reasonable, and other people probably think the same about me, and it's highly unlikely I really am the only non-idiot in the entire world even if it sometimes feels like it, in my more kvetchy moments.
Lea and her husband have decided to have a baby, and at the start of the book, Lea goes into labour. It becomes clear very quickly that it wasn't so much a case of Lea wanting a baby - I get the impression that it's just what everyone does, and her husband wanted a baby, and she doesn't refuse. Early on, she thinks to herself that she could quite happily have carried on being a lady who lunches, with no children to care for.
I'm about to start spoiling the book, so before I do, here's some more things. The book focuses on post-natal depression and grief, including talk of suicide and almost a hundred pages worth of description of what I would consider a graphic labour. So, y'know, trigger warning for all that.
I love the fact that this book had such a detailed description of labour. I've read a good few hundred books in which, over the course of the story, a character goes through labour, and I can't think of any other times when it stretched over more than a few pages. It just isn't talked about.
Lea's labour is traumatic. I don't know how it compares to other labours, but I don't think that's really important. Firstly, her midwife insists that she must give birth at home, because "it's better for the baby" (Lea observes that the midwife's fee is a lot more for homebirths). She's denied any anaesthetic because a 'natural' birth is "better for the baby". She's repeatedly cut during the birth (which I know was a medical necessity at that point, but wouldn't have been if they'd just given her the damn caesarian) and given stitches afterwards. While she's being sewn up, her husband calls relatives to tell them that the birth went "fine" and that they have a son, whom he has already named (this may or may not have been discussed between them, it wasn't mentioned). He hasn't looked at Lea at this point, who is in mourning for her body, specifically her cunt (she uses that word; I like it). She's sacrificed her body, for something he wanted more than her, in a way which could have been avoided, and he hasn't even looked at her. He describes her as "fine".
Lea becomes increasingly frustrated, due to feeling powerless which is understandable, because people she should be able to trust keep putting her in situations in which she is in their power, and then ignoring her wishes. Her anger seems perfectly justifiable, to me. Not so much the bits when she begins to have delusions, believing she is the second coming of Christ and almost succeeding in drowning her son, obviously. Those bits are not rational, and she did receive effective, if terrifying, medical care for her postnatal depression. However, the bit when she's screaming at people to look at how her cunt's been ruined? That doesn't seem like a totally unreasonable reaction, considering what she's just gone through, and the fact that no one seems to think the loss of her body should be important to her at all. It reminded me a little of this post on depression by hyperbole and a half. I feel like it would have helped Lea so much if someone had just listened to her and sympathised with her. Like, "wow, those fish are dead. I'm sorry for your loss"; "you're right, your body is changed beyond all recognition, and you have a right to work through that loss".
Oh, and then while Lea was trying to come to terms with the change in her body, particularly her cunt and breasts, her husband was all, oh of course we'll be breastfeeding, it's so much better for the baby. Oh, are you planning to use your nipples for that? Fuck off then.
I need to put in a disclaimer here, because I've never been a mother. But it seems like having a primary caregiver who is supported and listened to is a lot better for a baby than one who feels miserable because she isn't, and makes a damn sight more of a difference than whether they're breastfed or have a 'natural' birth.
Heleen Van Royen's The Happy Housewife was originally published in Dutch. I read it in English, because I am a sad little monoglot. I can remember buying it; I think I was about fifteen or sixteen, and I got it on special offer in Waterstones for £2.99. It still has most of the sticker on it - that stuff sticks after almost a decade. Going through my unread pile was such a good project; there are some real gems in there, and they've just been sitting there for years, and I could have read them any time, and I never did. I don't know why I didn't. On that note, I've decided that I cannot abide to-do (read/make/cook/watch/listen) lists that I never do anything with, and that just get longer and longer beyond all realistic possibilities. I'm no longer making a point of working through my unread pile, but I am making more of an effort to get through that and my "recipes to make" pinterest, and it's been awesome.
Anyway; The Happy Housewife.
It's written from the point of view of Lea, a formerly happily housewife. She is, for want of a better word, a bitch and I love her. She has a lot of the same thoughts I do - that everyone else is a total idiot, for example - but she just expresses hers, while I tie myself in knots over why my thoughts aren't fair or reasonable, and other people probably think the same about me, and it's highly unlikely I really am the only non-idiot in the entire world even if it sometimes feels like it, in my more kvetchy moments.
Lea and her husband have decided to have a baby, and at the start of the book, Lea goes into labour. It becomes clear very quickly that it wasn't so much a case of Lea wanting a baby - I get the impression that it's just what everyone does, and her husband wanted a baby, and she doesn't refuse. Early on, she thinks to herself that she could quite happily have carried on being a lady who lunches, with no children to care for.
I'm about to start spoiling the book, so before I do, here's some more things. The book focuses on post-natal depression and grief, including talk of suicide and almost a hundred pages worth of description of what I would consider a graphic labour. So, y'know, trigger warning for all that.
Spoilers for The Happy Housewife Beyond This Point.
I love the fact that this book had such a detailed description of labour. I've read a good few hundred books in which, over the course of the story, a character goes through labour, and I can't think of any other times when it stretched over more than a few pages. It just isn't talked about.
Lea's labour is traumatic. I don't know how it compares to other labours, but I don't think that's really important. Firstly, her midwife insists that she must give birth at home, because "it's better for the baby" (Lea observes that the midwife's fee is a lot more for homebirths). She's denied any anaesthetic because a 'natural' birth is "better for the baby". She's repeatedly cut during the birth (which I know was a medical necessity at that point, but wouldn't have been if they'd just given her the damn caesarian) and given stitches afterwards. While she's being sewn up, her husband calls relatives to tell them that the birth went "fine" and that they have a son, whom he has already named (this may or may not have been discussed between them, it wasn't mentioned). He hasn't looked at Lea at this point, who is in mourning for her body, specifically her cunt (she uses that word; I like it). She's sacrificed her body, for something he wanted more than her, in a way which could have been avoided, and he hasn't even looked at her. He describes her as "fine".
Lea becomes increasingly frustrated, due to feeling powerless which is understandable, because people she should be able to trust keep putting her in situations in which she is in their power, and then ignoring her wishes. Her anger seems perfectly justifiable, to me. Not so much the bits when she begins to have delusions, believing she is the second coming of Christ and almost succeeding in drowning her son, obviously. Those bits are not rational, and she did receive effective, if terrifying, medical care for her postnatal depression. However, the bit when she's screaming at people to look at how her cunt's been ruined? That doesn't seem like a totally unreasonable reaction, considering what she's just gone through, and the fact that no one seems to think the loss of her body should be important to her at all. It reminded me a little of this post on depression by hyperbole and a half. I feel like it would have helped Lea so much if someone had just listened to her and sympathised with her. Like, "wow, those fish are dead. I'm sorry for your loss"; "you're right, your body is changed beyond all recognition, and you have a right to work through that loss".
Oh, and then while Lea was trying to come to terms with the change in her body, particularly her cunt and breasts, her husband was all, oh of course we'll be breastfeeding, it's so much better for the baby. Oh, are you planning to use your nipples for that? Fuck off then.
I need to put in a disclaimer here, because I've never been a mother. But it seems like having a primary caregiver who is supported and listened to is a lot better for a baby than one who feels miserable because she isn't, and makes a damn sight more of a difference than whether they're breastfed or have a 'natural' birth.
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