Monday, 30 November 2015

In Which We Discuss Zombie Felties

I've been feeling crafty recently.  Not in a Sanderson sister's way, but in the mood to make something.  Quite a handy urge, with Christmas coming up.

A friend of mine had a copy of Steampunk Softies which always looked rather cool.  Last Christmas, I made another friend a felt doll of himself as a teenager, so I knew felt was easy to work with.  These two things together meant that I knew I wanted to make some kind of little felt doll.  So I got on amazon.

I didn't want to buy a copy of Steampunk Softies because I can always borrow it.  So I found something vaguely similar - Zombie Felties!


It includes 16 patterns for zombie felties, ranging from a simple duckie to a complex zombie bride.  Each has a skull rating from one to four to indicate the difficulty, and the authors recommend starting with a one-skill project.  So I did.  I made a zombie puppy.

You begin by tracing the shapes given onto tracing paper.  However, I redrew mine onto graph paper - happily, there are squares drawn behind the shapes that make them fairly easy to increase in this way.


The size of the pieces you can see behind my cut-outs is the actual intended size; the author's don't intend for you to increase them.  This was clearly fucking ridiculous and I doubled them, hence the graph paper instead of tracing.


Once you've traced or otherwise created your templates, the next step is to pin them to felt and cut out the pieces!  I couldn't find beads exactly right, but I found some reasonably close red buttons.

The next step was to glue some of the pieces together.  I left them under a pile of books for two days and they didn't dry completely, so I put them in front of the heater for half an hour.  That did it.


Once the pieces are glued you start the embroidering.  I feel like my first attempt at satin stitch went pretty well!


Finally, you stitch the head up and sew it onto the body.  Only the head is stuffed; the body is simply two pieces glued together.



Ta da!  Zombie puppy with bloody human thigh bone.  Realistically, it only took me an hour or two of actual work.   I have a little experience with following a sewing pattern, though I've only actually made one thing successfully from my two previous attempts.  Three colours of felt were required, despite only using scraps of the cream and white.  You could easily make the bone white instead of cream to save a little bit.

 I've got enough fabric to make another three at the same size.  I've put the pattern pieces into an envelope that I'll keep with the book just in case. I am quite tempted to make another, more ambitious one.  There's a nice one that's only two skulls.

I'm not usually the type to start with the easy one; my method, in life as in video-games, is to find and defeat the trickiest thing I can for the experience, which leapfrogs me over some tedious level grinding and straight into the fun stuff.  This tends to work better in video-games than life.  In real life, the tedious level ginding is often necessary.

My next project is from Knitting MochiMochi, which I received as a Christmas present two years ago.  I'll let you know how that goes!

Friday, 27 November 2015

In Which We Discuss Books I Read in my 27th Year, Week 15/52


Five books last week - that is the 19th to the 25th of November.

I am Malala is something I read for my feminist bookclub, which I ended up missing.  It's non-fiction and covers Malala's life up to the period where she was shot, and a little bit on her recovery.  It's shocking how inaccessible education still is throughout the world, particularly for women.

Hurting Distance is the second in the Spilling CID series.  Although this does not have an unreliable narrator to make second or third read throughs more rewarding I still quite enjoyed listening.  I'm going through the whole series right now, so you'll probably see another one pop up next week.

Winter is the final part of Marissa Meyer's Lunar Chronicles.  It's pretty long - over 800 pages I think, though I actually read it on Kindle - but it does wrap up the series nicely.  I quite enjoyed the journey.  In a few months I might reread the whole thing, now I can do it in one go.

English Grammar for Dummies was about as interesting as a book on grammar can be.

The Grown Up  is a short story by Gillian Flynn, the author of Gone Girl and Dark Places.  60-70 pages.  Again, quite enjoyable.

Wednesday, 18 November 2015

In Which We Discuss Books I Read in my 27th Year, Week 14/52


Only three books this week, 12th to 18th November.  One audiobook, All the Days of Our Lives, which is the final part of the trilogy I talked about last week.  Incompetence, which I'd read before, and The Year of Living Danishly.

The Year of Living Danishly is non-fiction.  It's written by a British free-lance journalist whose partner got a job working for Lego.  This lead to them both moving to Denmark for a year.

Denmark, according to all sorts of polls, is the happiest country on earth, so Helen Russell set about trying to find out why this is so.  The most interesting reason, to me, was how closely related to one another the Danish population is.  Other countries which are high on the happiness index are also closely related to the Danish population, and there's a certain gene which is a factor in their contentment levels.

I like the idea of getting hygge (like, cosy and hibernating), and of working fewer hours.  I can also see how high taxation combined with a great social security system and high faith in government to use the money properly would be really comforting.  And I do like that people are very proud of being Danish and that the government pays for education, including Danish lessons for immigrants.  I'm tempted to move there, particularly if I can work with geneticists at Copenhagen uni or if I have children.

Incompetence is a book I've read before.  Rob Grant is one of the creator's of Red Dwarf though this book isn't really similar.  More comic-noir.  It's set in a world where it is illegal to fire anyone for being incompetent, and this has resulted in a bit of a clusterfuck world.  Not realistic - an ability to fire people would result in more zero hour contracts and demotions, not necessarily completely shambles - but readable.  Not exactly to my taste, but I liked it enough to read it twice so it must have something going for it.

I've been reading lots of books this week, I just haven't finished many.  Expect a glut next week!

Sunday, 15 November 2015

In Which We Discuss Lorelai and Rory Gilmore

Now, I do know that the Gilmore girls are not a book, but I think I can justify talking about them by Rory's bookish nature, which I'll comment on a little later.

I love the show Gilmore girls.  It's very comforting, and I'm now watching the entire series through for the third time.  However, I think Lorelai and Rory Gilmore are just awful, terrible people.

 My personal favourite moment to hate is when Rory, a character whose defining trait is "bookishness" claims to have only read two-hundred books by the age of sixteen.  That was not written by a reader.  In a later episode, Rory shows us the five books that she's carrying - one for the bus, an alternative for the bus, one for lunch, one short stories and one essay.  That's similar to what I carry around, only I have a Kindle which cuts down on the bulk.  As you know, I read around two-hundred and fifty books per year, while attending college and working twenty-five hours per week.  If Rory is carrying out that many books, and is implied to have been bookish since childhood then, what, she's actually getting through half a page per day?  Or she's rereading the same two-hundred books, starting over every nine months?  Ugh.

Right now, I watching season three, in which Rory is a terrible person to Jess.  To summarise;

Jess is a troubled teen, and the nephew of Luke Danes.  He's sent to Star's Hollow by his mother in the hopes that his uncle will straighten him out.  Luke does his best to do so, despite the town taking against Jess immediately.  In fairness, Jess does not help himself by stealing a beloved gnome.

At the time, Rory is dating Dean, her farmboy first boyfriend.  In later seasons, he will get married and Rory will have sex with him, causing him to leave his wife.  Anyway.  Rory and Dean are happy enough, but Rory is the only person in town that Jess actually seems to like.  Fate - helped by Jess - keeps throwing them together, making Dean suspicious and paranoid, in a way that isn't always healthy. 

Luke, who thinks Rory will be good for Jess, asks her to tutor him so he'll do better in school.  During their tutoring session, Jess persuades Rory to go for a drive with him.  When it's time to come back and work, and he offers her the choice of doing so or of continuing to drive around town,  she chooses to keep driving.  Jess crashes Rory's car, resulting in Rory spraining her wrist.  This causes the town to hate him even more

Rory and Jess kiss right before Rory leaves for the summer.  When she comes back, she is shocked and angry to find that Jess has found a girlfriend and has not been pining for her all summer.  Bear in mind that she has not actually broken up with Dean.

While Jess tries to move on with his life, Rory is passive-aggressive and reaches the point of egging his car - a car he has worked and saved for, unlike Rory, who was given hers.  Everyone is still on Rory's side.

Jess and Rory eventually get together; god only knows what Jess did to deserve this.

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

In Which We Discuss Books I Read in my 27th Year, Week 13/52


Six books this week!  That's 4th to the 11th of November.

Three of these I'd read before - Animal Farm, Soldier Girl and A Hopscotch Summer.  Hopscotch Summer and Soldier Girl are parts one and two in a series set in 1930s-40s Birmingham.  The first book focuses mostly on Emma Brown, who ends up caring for her three younger siblings at the tender age of eight, when her mother develops post-natal depression.  When a spot of marital-rape and shouting at her doesn't sort it out, her husband sends her off to her sister while he has an affair.  I'm not totally sure why their getting back together is seen as a good thing.

In Soldier Girl Emma is in her late teens and gets married.  However, the book mostly focuses on her friend Molly, who appeared in A Hopscotch Summer as a side character.  Molly, who I've discussed in more detail here, was abused as a child but makes something of herself as an ack-ack girl in the army.  I quite enjoy stories about life building - see Rose Madder - and there's another link with her being a Brummie.  At first I was a little offended; the accents are very broad considering the main characters live in Nechells.  On the other hand, this was the thirties; regional accents were broader then.  Having now listened to something like twenty hours of this woman speaking (I'm midway through the third part of the series) I've gotten used to it.

Soldier Girl is my favourite one of the series, and not just because Molly is my favourite character.  It's a very odd experience walking down New Street and hearing about St Martin's church being bombed.

Both Tommyknockers and The Great Gatsby were new to me, and I wrote more about each of them in the linked post.  Perhaps I should have compared the two.

Finally, Murder in the Dark, a collection of short prose pieces by Margaret Atwood.  I like that Atwood's idea of short is one or two pages, since that's close to mine.  The best of them was one I'd read previously, Happy Endings which you can read online at Perdue.edu.

In Which We Discuss the Great Gatsby, Henry Rearden and Molly Fox

I recently read The Great Gatsby for the first time while rereading Annie Murray's Soldier Girl.  I say 'reread', I actually listened to it as an audiobook.

The heroine of Soldier Girl - whose story began in A Hopscotch Summer and continues in All the Days of our Lives - is Molly Fox, an young girl living in an impoverished area of 1930s Birmingham.  She is neglected and abused by her mother and sexually abused by her grandfather, who she later discovers to be her biological father as well as her grandfather.  Molly joins the army when the second world war begins and finds that she's much smarter than she seems.  She's torn in two; she has an urge to please those in reasonable authority but also wishes to rebel against anyone trying to control her.  This causes her problems at first, but she soon settles down.  Her natural ability is later recognised and she becomes an ack-ack girl, spotting enemy planes and dealing with quite technical calculations.  Her past continues to cause trouble in her relationship; during the war she meets another young soldier named Tony, who was physically abused by the priests his mother trusted.  He is killed by a bomb during their engagement.  Molly believes that, if he hadn't been, she would somehow have soured the relationship, simply by being herself.  I don't necessarily believe these to be the case, though without him she does become an active alcoholic for several years.

James Gatz was a young boy in turn-of-the-century America.  As a boy, he wrote out this schedule in the back of one of his cheap paperbacks;



Incidentally, I love Gatbsy for this.  I have written out similar schedules and resolutions.  Still do.  I don't manage to stick to them rigidly, not for more than a day or two.  Sites and apps like Habitica.com and Carrot To-Do help me to stick to them in spirit, even if I do need to ease up on the particulars.

Anyway, James Gatz grows up to become Jay Gatsby, the Great Gatsby.  His plans and schedules are derailed after he meets Daisy, the woman he loves who cannot see beyond how fashionable his shirts are.  He says;

"What was the use of doing great things if I could have a better time telling her what I was going to do?"

He abandons his dreams of being a great inventor and becomes a bootlegger, in an attempt to rapidly gain enough wealth to be worth Daisy's attention.  A fucking good bootlegger, to paraphrase Ben Elton*, who throws parties that anyone who is anyone attends.  Gatsby himself doesn't interactive with anyone who cannot lead him to Daisy.

Gatsby explains to Nick that he bought this specific piece of land because he could see Daisy's home from there.  Later, when he is introduced to Daisy again - who has not seen him in five years and has married someone else - he describes looking out at the place where she lived, across the water.  Looking at the green light on her porch.  Nick, the narrator, describes the look on his face, as Gatsby realises that, with Daisy back in his life, he will not have the pleasure of anticipating her; one more exceptional thing has gone out of his life.  The green light was no longer wonderful.

As above, Daisy cannot see beyond Gatsby's shirts.  She is ultimately unworthy of his love.

This is why I wish to compare Molly and Gatsby.  What would Gatsby have been if Daisy had died in the war?  What would Molly have been if Tony had lived?

Perhaps Molly was able to move on because she was unable to romanticise her romance.  She was not a dreamer, as Gatsby was.

Personally, I doubt both Gatsby and Molly's faith in their ability to predict their romantic futures.  We know that Gatsby is wrong about Daisy, but I think Molly could also have made it work with Tony.

I wanted to compare the two because I can relate to both, and that caused me to notice other similarities.  Both were separated from their loves by war.  Both, I think, were wrong in their predictions of how that love might have ended.  Both pulled themselves up by their bootstraps - Molly reluctantly and Gatsby with diverted enthusiasm.

Personally, I think they'd be good for one another.

The third character I'd like to discuss is Atlas Shrugged's Henry 'Hank' Rearden, another 20th century hero.   I didn't initially think of Hank when I finished The Great Gatsby.  My partner wondered what he and the other characters of Atlas Shrugged would make of Jay Gatsby when I described the book to him.  I thought of Hank specifically because Hank married his Daisy.

Atlas Shrugged is set in the 50s, long after the flapper days of Gatsby and a universe removed from Molly's Birmingham existence.  Hank married a woman, like Daisy, who couldn't see beyond his money.  Hank's wife doesn't care what he does to create that wealth, despite this invention being the driving force of his personality.  Hank's wife continually mocks his work ethic and his achievements while enjoying their rewards.

It's not implausible that, had Daisy and Gatsby not been separated by war, and if he had not overhauled his ambitions to please her, that their relationship could have ended up the same way.

I think Hank would have understood Gatsby - he was tempted by Franscisco D'Anconia after all, before he knew the full story - but would have despised him.  Like D'Anconia he stopped working on inventions and new technology.  However, D'Anconia had a reason that Hank and Dagny understood and respected, when they came to know of it, and D'Anconia did not give up on the being the best person he could be, within the confines of the story and his personality.  He simply came to the realisation that he would need to do it in a different way.  Gatsby gave up everything he could have been for Daisy.  I suppose that was part of the point of the novel; the juxtaposition of war and the good, old-fashioned drive of the American dream against the bright lights and empty glamour of the 1920s and the 20th Century, where brand would soon become everything amongst a certain subset of personalities.

That leads me to another train of thought; a song which embodies the same thing and a lyric that's always bothered me (be warned that this post devolves rapidly into ranting at this point).  Taoi Cruz's Dynamite;

...Saing ayo, gotta let go
I wanna celebrate and live my life
Saying ayo, baby let's go

I came to dance, dance, dance, dance
I hit the floor 'cause that's my chance
Wearing all my favourite brands, brands, brands, brands

The songs talks about 'celebrating and living life' and 'letting go' all in the context of a night out dancing.  In my experience, that's never been the case.  Dancing is wonderful and all, and like all music and art, it can be a transcendental experience.  Yet still songs which describe a night out clubbing like it's climbing a mountain confuse me.

Later in the song, Cruz sings;  

I just want it all, I just want it all, I'm gonna put my hands in the air.

Which, again, makes no sense to me in the clear context of a night out clubbing.  What 'all'?  How are you going to get it 'all' by raising your hands in the air?  How are you going to achieve any of your goals while spending a night out dancing, even if you do it all night and wear all your favourite brands?  You'd really think that staying up all night would get in the way of most goals, surely?

The brands line specifically is the one that bugs me.  Why brands?  I can relate to the experience of dancing being wonderful, and I suppose fashion can also be pretty awesome and a work of art in it's own right - see Meryl Streep's speech when she tells Andy off in the movie of The Devil Wears Prada (not the book, which confuses American and English education systems).  But just the act of wearing brands?  Not interacting with clothing, or designing clothing, or even having a confidence-giving life changing experience?  Just, specifically, wearing clothes with names on?

Why not just sing about hearing all your favourite bands, to fit theme?  Is that not better than wearing all your favourite brands?  What am I missing?  I genuinely want to know.  I pick on Cruz here, but there are thousands upon thousands of other songs expressing the same idea, of a night out dancing being a transcendental experience.  There's something in our culture too, that describes twenty-somethings as being fundamentally broken if they don't wish to live a lifestyle where almost every night is a night out dancing.  Why?  What am I not getting?

Anyway.  I think Daisy would like that song.  I'll be over in my double-layer of fictitious world where Gatsby was born a little later or Molly was born a little earlier and they knocked a bit of sense into each other.

*In Chart Throb Priscilla is critisising herself and her singing ability.  She points out to Beryl Blenheim, retired rockstar, that Beryl isn't her real parent and thus cannot her contributed to her ability; her real father made fried chicken.  "Fucking good fried chicken!" Beryl says in a show of loyalty which also misses the point.

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

In Which We Discuss Tommyknockers

Tommyknockers is Stephen King's 3074th novel, published in 1979.  I'm kidding, it's more like his 28th.  It was also the last novel published before I was born, which probably doesn't mean a great deal to Stephen King but it's interesting to me!  I didn't notice this, but the book is actually set in 1988, making it five minutes into the future at the time it was published.

The book's about a small town in Maine; not Derry or Castle Rock but an even smaller place called Haven.  A writer, Bobbi Anderson, begins digging up a huge, strange ship and as more of it is exposed to the air more and more people are changed.  They become.

Anderon nicknames the former owners of the ship 'Tommyknockers', from an old children's rhyme that both Stephen King and his wife, Tabitha King, were familiar with;

Late last night and the night before,
Tommyknockers, Tommyknockers knocking at the door.
I wanna go out, don't know if I can
'cause I'm so afraid of the Tommyknocker man.

In the introduction, King mentions that 'Tommy' is an old name for a British soldier.  It is, but it only goes back to world war I, where "Thomas Anderson" was the example name written on a soldier's paybook.  That was discussed in Terry Pratchett's Johnny and the Bomb, or possibly Johnny and the Dead.  One or the other.

I know the rhyme as well.  It's a skipping rhyme, and we'd sing;

Not last night but the night before,
Twenty-four robbers came knocking at my door,
As I ran out to let them in, to let them in, to let them in....

...and you'd run back and forth under the rope while you chanted.

So we know that in both England and the US something happened, perhaps not last night but the night before, but possibly on both nights.  In England we let them in.  Perhaps the Americans blew up the English robbers to a ridiculous, boogyman extent?

Anyway, in story, it's just a nickname, literally a word pulled out of the air by the characters to label something inexplicable.

I want to talk about something a little spoileriffic now, so please clear the area.

Spoilers

Near the end of the novel, Gard, who is somewhat immune to the 'becoming' enters the spaceship.  'Becoming' involves several physical and mental changes, including telepathy, teeth falling out and growing snouts and claws.  Inside the spaceship he finds several snouty, toothless, claw-having creatures who appear to have killed one another in an argument.  He reflects that the Tommyknockers are good inventors but have low maturity.  They invent better ways of killing each other instead of finding out how not to.

Gard manages to send the spaceship flying off to find another planet, preventing the 'becoming' proceeding on earth.  In the process, he dies from wounds received in combat.

Earlier in the novel, Gard reflected on the cuckoo-like nature of the Tommyknockers.  They come to new planets and 'improve' them, taking their technology further.

So, my theory is that the creatures who had died in the ship weren't the original Tommyknockers.  They were the remains of the last victims.

Perhaps the fact that the 'becoming' involved specific physical changes indicates that the original Tommyknockers did resemble that.  However, the 'becoming' seems to be powered by a virus-like substance.  Perhaps this was sent out in the ship - which is highly automated - to terraform new planets?

I said that Gard is somewhat immune to the 'becoming'.  He's not completely immune; it just takes a lot longer.  Perhaps the changes continue to work after he has died, so the next species to locate the ship while find just another snouted, toothless, clawed being on the upper decks?

Gard does think about most of this.  However, I'm not sure he considers the idea that not all of the Tommyknockers were fully affected by the virus-thing and that they died not because the virus makes them psychotically unstable but because some of them were in opposition to becoming.

End Spoilers

When it comes to references to other books, Johnny Smith of The Dead Zone and the Shop of Firestarter show up a few times.  One of the characters also sees a clown peeking out from the sewers as he drives through Derry - a reference to It - and at one point Gard has a conversation with Jack of The TalismanStephen King himself and his novel The Shining are also mentioned as in-universe.

Tommyknockers is one of the novels published as Stephen King was coming to the end of his period of severe substance abuse.  King has said previously that the issue was so bad he doesn't remember writing Cujo at all.  Cujo was published in 1981, six years prior to Tommyknockers.

This experience of substance abuse is expressed in Gard, an alcoholic who managed to shoot his wife while drunk.  James Smythe's post focuses on this. Apparently after the bookwas published Tabitha King staged an intervention.  In 1979 their eldest daughter, Naomi, turned nine.  Joe Hill was seven and Owen King was only two years old.  Both Joe Hill and Owen King became writers and have said in a rather sweet interview that they are Stephen King's fans as well as his sons.  To my knowledge, Naomi King has not been interviewed because she is not a public figure, which is fair enough.

There's a film of Tommyknockers, which I only discovered when I was looking up info on Nightmares in the Sky.  I'll watch it if I can get ahold of it.


I'd really call the book more sci-fi than horror, but I've not been scared by any fiction in a while.  That might be a result of moving in with my partner - it's harder to be frightened when there's someone else in the house, especially when it's such a small house.

Following Tommyknockers no major novels were published until 1989, and that was The Dark Half.  However, there was a work published in 1988 - Nightmares in the Sky.  It's a collection of photographs by f-stop Fitzgerald (not a typo) with text by Stephen King.  I've ordered a copy from German Amazon which should arrive by the 27th.  Abe books cancelled and refunded my order, on the grounds that they have no copies in stock, though their website still claims twenty available.

I do quite like The Dark Half which I've read before, so I might just start on that early and read Nightmares in the Sky later.  James Smythe - who is doing the same kind of project two years ahead - didn't read it as part of his challenge.


Wednesday, 4 November 2015

In Which We Discuss Books I Read in my 27th Year, Week 12/52


Only two books this week - 29th October to 4th November.  Stoner I already wrote a longer post about.  Seven Deadly Sins was part of the Gaiman Humble Bundle.  Seven short graphic-novel stories around the seven deadly sins, by different authors and artists.  Gaiman's Sloth was uncompleted, as a bit of meta-fiction.  The most interesting was Alan Moore's Lust - a retelling of World War II told as if it were a sexual encounter between Germany and Russia.  The line "afterwards, we both lay there smoking" was particularly chilly when juxtaposed with the image.

I've spent much of the week reading Stephen King's The Tommyknockers which I aim to finish this evening.  After this, we'll finally be up to books published within my lifetime!  Nightmares in the Sky was published when I was two months old.  It's a collection of photographs with text by Stephen King, and it sounds kind of like the project Who Killed Amanda Palmer?.

Monday, 2 November 2015

In Which We Discuss Stoner, ADD, and University

I'm 25 pages through Stoner and a specific quote has lead me to write this post.


 
I’d never heard of Stoner before  I found it in the ‘classics’ section of one of my local libraries.  I’ve always had a vague feeling that one ought to have read the classics.  It seemed interesting; the back describes the juxtaposition of a simple, dull life described in a fascinating way, and I quite wanted to know how the author – John Williams – had managed to do that.  To inject normal life with what Paul Sheldon referred to as ‘the gottas’.

The story begins with William Stoner entering university to study agriculture but being captivated by his required English class and changing his degree in order to learn more.

While I am a big reader – see the blog you are reading this post on – I’ve never been that interested in the study of the English language.  Maybe school ruined it for me.  We were forced to read as a group, thus moving at the speed of the slowest student.  My quick reading combined with my ADD combined to make English lessons a torture of slowness.  That said, I’m currently reading Grammar for Dummies with a great deal of enjoyment, and I’m a huge fan of TV Tropes.  I enjoy learning about writing techniques and symbolism, and I even enjoy writing – just not to the point of studying it further myself. 

At primary and secondary school, this was not recognized.  English was "my thing" and every single one of my teachers assumed that that was where my interest lay.  I thought so too.  No one noticed that I was better at maths and near the top of my class for science.  I was routinely predicted lower grades than I received.  The narcissist in me tells me that this is because they couldn't believe quite how brilliant I was, and assumed I must be struggling somewhere.  I didn't, not until I was fourteen or fifteen, and this was not a blessing.  Because I never struggled, I never tried.  When I actually needed to try, to retain the same level of achievement, I didn't know how.  I've learned that over the past few years.

I’ve recently entered college with the goal of attending university.  I didn’t do this at sixteen, when it’s normally done, due a combination of ADD and manic depression.  Like Stoner, I came to higher education late.

In many ways, this is a blessing.  Some of my fellow students are teenagers, and I’m able to contrast my method of learning now with theirs, and with my own as a teenager.  When I was a teenager, school was somewhere you had to be.  The goal was to get through the day.  I see that attitude reflected now, in students who beg to leave lessons early, who whinge about not understanding maths and not seeing the point of learning it, who want lessons to go slower. 

The difference in my attitude is simple from then to now is simple; my goal is to learn.  I want to learn.  I’m studying subjects that I’m interested in, and I know why I’m doing it.  I didn’t have that when I was a teenager.  I also lacked support at home – something I do have now – and I didn’t realise that my impatience and lack of focus were symptomatic of ADD.  Now that I know what I’m dealing with, now that it’s codified, I know what to do.  I have poor executive memory, so I externalise that in the form of diaries and apps.  I struggle not to shout out in class, so I keep my diary nearby and write my thoughts in that instead of saying them out loud.  Being an adult, my nutrition is better and I’m better at scheduling my time.  I’m also recognised as an adult in class, which is fantastic; I won’t be told off if I look at my phone, for instance (generally, I'm googling something relevant, to be fair!).

I’ve been regretful and jealous over not having gone into higher education for years.  I felt that I'd let myself down, that I was missing out.  I've done several courses with the Open University and several MOOCS, which have made up for the feeling somewhat, but for years I've felt that my life will not be fulfilled unless I go into higher education.  The trouble was, firstly, the logistics of it; what were my options, as I got older?  Was I too late?  How could I afford it?  Would I just fail again, like I did at GCSE level, when I didn't know how to study and I was too miserable to leave the house most of the time anyway?

A lot of factors have combined to belay those fears; a coworker/friend who did the same access course I'm doing now.  Living with a supportive partner.  Being diagnosed with ADD, which has been a great help because now I have an explanation for certain things.  I'm not doomed to failure; I'm wired differently, in known ways, with coping methods that other people have tried and tested.  I'm not hopeless; I'm working at a maturity level 30% below that of my peers, making me effectively nineteen at the moment.  This has reassured me a great deal, as it explains a number of things over the years that I've been beating myself up over.  It gives me both an explanation and tools to deal with it.

To return to Stoner, the quote which has triggered this post is as follows;

Having come to his studies late, he felt the urgency of study.  Sometimes, immersed in his books there would come to him the awareness of all that he did not know, of all that he had not read; and the serenity for which he labored was shattered as he realised the little time he had in life to read so much, to learn what he had to know.

Also;

Almost from the first the implications of the subject caught the students, and they all had that sense of discovery that comes when one feels that the subject at hand lies at the center of a much larger subject, and when one feels intensely that a pursuit of the subject is likely to lead - where, one does not know.

That's how I feel, not about literature, but about chemistry, physics, maths and biology.  I'm part of something bigger.  I'm applying to study genetics and the very idea gives me chills; unravelling life itself?  Amazing!  Tracing the history of a tiny little gene, finding out what it did then, what it does now, how it works with others?  A few thousand years of reading hasn't got a patch on that.

I'm in the process of submitting my UCAS form - don't panic, the due date is later for those over nneteen - and I'm finding the process terrifying but also exhilirating.  I want this.  I'm excited about this.

So, in short, I can relate to Stoner, entering higher education late and realising that it was where he was meant to be all along.  I couldn't have successfully entered higher education any earlier, though I do regret that I couldn't.  Now I can.  It's the same feeling as when I moved in with my partner, or when I got my tattoos, and here's another quote from Shel Silverstein which explains that;

There is a voice inside of you that whispers all day long,
I feel that this is right for me, I know that this is wrong.
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend or wise man can decide 
What’s right for you—Just listen to the voice that speaks inside.

Incidentally, I've since finished Stoner and it is very good.  Accomplishes exactly what is described; it describes a perfectly ordinary, relatively non-descript life in a fascinating and compelling way.

In Which We Discuss Books I Read in my 27th Year, Week 11/52



Nine books this week - that is 21st to 28th October.

Three of them were a series that I'd read before, The Marianne Trilogy.  They're by my favouite author, Sheri Tepper and they're not overly long - less than 200 pages each.  Really, the three together are basically the same as one of her other novels, though they are all unique stories.  The first two books seem to follow on from one another, dealing with the same overarching problem, while the third is an adventure with the same characters.  I wonder if it was intended to be longer than a trilogy at one point?  Or intended to be two books, and then she had nother idea?

I also reread The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of her Own Making and The Grl Who Ruled Fairyland - for a Little While.  The latter is a short story exploring the backstory of the main villain of the former.  It's a nice bit of semi-meta fiction; it's a fairytale set in a world that tries to tie together other fairytale tropes.  Slightly post-modernist, in the way that it's aware of other stories and that readers will also be aware of other stories and tries to go beyond that.

Feeders and Eaters, Being an Account of the Life and Death of the Emperor Heliogabus and Outrageous Tales from the Old Testament were all graphic novels in the Gaiman HumbleBundle I've mentioned previously.  Heliogabus was the best of them though Outrageous Tales did cover many of the good bits of the Old Testament.

Finally, Dare Me is a book I first read several years ago.  It's a tale of obsession, set in the world of cheerleading; eating disorders, combined with cliques, combined with the drive to be a good athlete.  All very intense and claustraophobic.  Megan Abbott has a wandering yet sharp sentence style, which makes the book feel like you're always a little out of breath, trying to keep up.