In Which We Discuss Tattoos

I have two tattoos so far; a red butterfly on my ribcage, and ivy on my inner thigh.  I got them both done at the same time, a few years ago, and I adore them.  I'm planning to get another soon.

My red butterfly - nicknamed Patrick - was inspired by the Project Zero/Fatal Frame games, particularly the second one, Crimson Butterfly.  It was really anything to do with the game itself - it was the end song, Chou or Butterfly.  There's a line in which I first saw translated as "See, I can flutter better than you thought".  I liked the song, and I liked that sentiment.  Other parts of the song - particularly the start of the chorus which loosely translates to "burned down/burn on" also appealed to me.  I've struggled with depression since my early teens, so this idea of burning, destruction, etc, followed immediately by the idea of "see, I can flutter better than you thought" spoke to me.  It spoke of recovery and hope.

I started using the red butterfly as a custom smilie to sign off forum posts.  I was about seventeen then.  When I was twenty-one or twenty-two and getting my ivy tattoo, I asked them to take five minutes to put my butterfly on me. It was a spur of the moment decision which was exactly right.

My ivy was a little less straightforward.  I started planning that tattoo out in early 2007 when I was eighteen.  I knew I wanted it to be a twining ivy design on my left inner thigh.  I liked the idea of it being slightly seductive; you'd see the edge of it below a miniskirt and wonder how high it went.  I also wanted my tattoos to be somewhere I could see them, and I preferred them to be somewhere that was hidden by default.  Not because I'm ashamed of them; because I like to customise my look with wigs and different outfits and make-up, so I didn't want anything permanent on display.

Ivy as a symbol had been in my head for a while.  I associate it with my maternal line; my great-grandmother's cottage was covered in it, and there are paintings of ivy in my grandmother's current home.  It was always around when I was a child.  I also like that it's tenacious and stubborn.  That appealed to me too.

I decided to have my tattoos done after I was raped for the second time.  It was part of recovering; I wanted to reclaim my body as mine and I wanted it to hurt so the knowledge really burnt into me.  The tattoos I'd been planning for years seemed the best way to do that.  I'm glad I didn't try to be too 'deep' or referential with them; I could so easily have gone for a relevant quote or something more objectively symbolic which was easier to explain, but also less personal.  That wouldn't have been right for me.

I've often thought that the way I feel about my tattoos is the way I'd like to feel about anyone I marry.  The voice in your head should say "YES THAT ONE" as loudly as possible.  When they ask "I do", the response should be "You're damn right I do".

Since I've been struggling with another bout of depression recently, I've been thinking of getting another tattoo if I reach a certain date.  I'm thinking November.

I want a castle on a hillside.  The hillside will be my right hip, and will follow the curves of my body.  The castle will be a rook, ie, the chess piece.  It's a castle imitation.

The main idea comes from the song Castle Imitation, which appears at the end of the game Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter.  You see, in that game, there's a bonus dungeon.  Fifty floors of battles, no saving, limited inventory, starting with a level 1 party.  Takes about eight hours.  I completed it over a weekend; the first time, I died on the fiftieth floor, so I tried again the next day and finally made it through.  Then I defeated the final boss - which was MUCH easier - and finished the entire game.

The basic premise of Dragon Quarter is that the entire society lives underground.  Your party are trying to reach the surface and the mythical 'sky'.  You start 1000 metres below ground and work your way up. 

So, the end of the game; the combination of my having spent sixteen hours over two days finishing that damn dungeon and the fact that my characters finally got out of the darkness and felt the sunlight for the first time in their lives...it was a good moment.  I had a sense of complete and utter relief when I heard that ending song, Castle Imitation.   I still feel that when I hear the song now.  Just a sense of...it's over, it's done, you did it, you can rest now.  I've felt relief on other occasions, of course, but this was the most distilled version.  Every other time, it was tempered with something else, and it was more complicated, and it wasn't really over.  This was a game; it was a discrete experience that wasn't connected to anything but itself.  That's why that feeling wasn't diluted, and that's why that's the memory I want to commemorate.

It reminds me of my favourite line from A Streetcar named Desire; "Sometimes, there's God, so quickly". I've used that on occasions when I've felt that feeling of relief; on suddenly having a job offer, or receiving money when you didn't know how you were going to pay all the bills that month.  I'm an atheist and I'm not a huge fan of the play otherwise, so I don't want to ink anything more strongly connected onto me.  It's just a nice little bonus in this case.

The song has a line in it; "Ikite, ikite, ikite, ikite, ikite...".  It translate to "I live, live, live, live live...".  I like that.  It reminds me of other things, most notably my favourite line in my favourite novel, Jinian Footseer.  Jinian is depressed, and is suffering from total emotional numbness.  Bartelmy shocks her back into feeling, and asks if she would rather be alive than dead, even if it hurts.  Jinian replies;  "I would rather be alive.  Even if it hurts".

I would rather be alive.  Even if it hurts.  That's the other thing I want my tattoo to say.  I'm alive, and I'm okay, and I got through it, and when bad things happen sometimes there will be god so quickly, and I would rather be alive even if it hurts.