In Which We Discuss Stoner, ADD, and University

I'm 25 pages through Stoner and a specific quote has lead me to write this post.

 

I’d never heard of Stoner before  I found it in the ‘classics’ section of one of my local libraries.  I’ve always had a vague feeling that one ought to have read the classics.  It seemed interesting; the back describes the juxtaposition of a simple, dull life described in a fascinating way, and I quite wanted to know how the author – John Williams – had managed to do that.  To inject normal life with what Paul Sheldon referred to as ‘the gottas’.

The story begins with William Stoner entering university to study agriculture but being captivated by his required English class and changing his degree in order to learn more.

While I am a big reader – see the blog you are reading this post on – I’ve never been that interested in the study of the English language.  Maybe school ruined it for me.  We were forced to read as a group, thus moving at the speed of the slowest student.  My quick reading combined with my ADD combined to make English lessons a torture of slowness.  That said, I’m currently reading Grammar for Dummies with a great deal of enjoyment, and I’m a huge fan of TV Tropes.  I enjoy learning about writing techniques and symbolism, and I even enjoy writing – just not to the point of studying it further myself. 

At primary and secondary school, this was not recognized.  English was "my thing" and every single one of my teachers assumed that that was where my interest lay.  I thought so too.  No one noticed that I was better at maths and near the top of my class for science.  I was routinely predicted lower grades than I received.  The narcissist in me tells me that this is because they couldn't believe quite how brilliant I was, and assumed I must be struggling somewhere.  I didn't, not until I was fourteen or fifteen, and this was not a blessing.  Because I never struggled, I never tried.  When I actually needed to try, to retain the same level of achievement, I didn't know how.  I've learned that over the past few years.

I’ve recently entered college with the goal of attending university.  I didn’t do this at sixteen, when it’s normally done, due a combination of ADD and manic depression.  Like Stoner, I came to higher education late.

In many ways, this is a blessing.  Some of my fellow students are teenagers, and I’m able to contrast my method of learning now with theirs, and with my own as a teenager.  When I was a teenager, school was somewhere you had to be.  The goal was to get through the day.  I see that attitude reflected now, in students who beg to leave lessons early, who whinge about not understanding maths and not seeing the point of learning it, who want lessons to go slower. 

The difference in my attitude is simple from then to now is simple; my goal is to learn.  I want to learn.  I’m studying subjects that I’m interested in, and I know why I’m doing it.  I didn’t have that when I was a teenager.  I also lacked support at home – something I do have now – and I didn’t realise that my impatience and lack of focus were symptomatic of ADD.  Now that I know what I’m dealing with, now that it’s codified, I know what to do.  I have poor executive memory, so I externalise that in the form of diaries and apps.  I struggle not to shout out in class, so I keep my diary nearby and write my thoughts in that instead of saying them out loud.  Being an adult, my nutrition is better and I’m better at scheduling my time.  I’m also recognised as an adult in class, which is fantastic; I won’t be told off if I look at my phone, for instance (generally, I'm googling something relevant, to be fair!).

I’ve been regretful and jealous over not having gone into higher education for years.  I felt that I'd let myself down, that I was missing out.  I've done several courses with the Open University and several MOOCS, which have made up for the feeling somewhat, but for years I've felt that my life will not be fulfilled unless I go into higher education.  The trouble was, firstly, the logistics of it; what were my options, as I got older?  Was I too late?  How could I afford it?  Would I just fail again, like I did at GCSE level, when I didn't know how to study and I was too miserable to leave the house most of the time anyway?

A lot of factors have combined to belay those fears; a coworker/friend who did the same access course I'm doing now.  Living with a supportive partner.  Being diagnosed with ADD, which has been a great help because now I have an explanation for certain things.  I'm not doomed to failure; I'm wired differently, in known ways, with coping methods that other people have tried and tested.  I'm not hopeless; I'm working at a maturity level 30% below that of my peers, making me effectively nineteen at the moment.  This has reassured me a great deal, as it explains a number of things over the years that I've been beating myself up over.  It gives me both an explanation and tools to deal with it.

To return to Stoner, the quote which has triggered this post is as follows;

Having come to his studies late, he felt the urgency of study.  Sometimes, immersed in his books there would come to him the awareness of all that he did not know, of all that he had not read; and the serenity for which he labored was shattered as he realised the little time he had in life to read so much, to learn what he had to know.

Also;

Almost from the first the implications of the subject caught the students, and they all had that sense of discovery that comes when one feels that the subject at hand lies at the center of a much larger subject, and when one feels intensely that a pursuit of the subject is likely to lead - where, one does not know.

That's how I feel, not about literature, but about chemistry, physics, maths and biology.  I'm part of something bigger.  I'm applying to study genetics and the very idea gives me chills; unravelling life itself?  Amazing!  Tracing the history of a tiny little gene, finding out what it did then, what it does now, how it works with others?  A few thousand years of reading hasn't got a patch on that.

I'm in the process of submitting my UCAS form - don't panic, the due date is later for those over nneteen - and I'm finding the process terrifying but also exhilirating.  I want this.  I'm excited about this.

So, in short, I can relate to Stoner, entering higher education late and realising that it was where he was meant to be all along.  I couldn't have successfully entered higher education any earlier, though I do regret that I couldn't.  Now I can.  It's the same feeling as when I moved in with my partner, or when I got my tattoos, and here's another quote from Shel Silverstein which explains that;

There is a voice inside of you that whispers all day long,
I feel that this is right for me, I know that this is wrong.
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend or wise man can decide 
What’s right for you—Just listen to the voice that speaks inside.

Incidentally, I've since finished Stoner and it is very good.  Accomplishes exactly what is described; it describes a perfectly ordinary, relatively non-descript life in a fascinating and compelling way.