In Which We Discuss Public Shaming

Last week I listened to So You've Been Publicly Shamed on audible.  I don't recommend the audiobook, by the way; it's read by the author, whose skills do not lie in reading out loud and who uses the word 'said' far too much, something only accentuated by the choppy, staccato reading style.

The book focuses on examples of recent public shamings, which I won't go into detail about because one thing it did convince me of is that public shaming is bad and I don't want to bring something back up google if it's been successfully buried and I don't feel a pressing need to emote on it.

The specific incident I had the most feelings about involved a tech conference.  A woman of colour attended the conference and was offended to hear two male programmers behind her making what she felt were sexist jokes.  She felt threatened and was reminded of various misogynistic attidues which she worried would prevent future female programmers.  Please note that the women in question had made a similarly sexual joke only a few days earlier in her twitter feed.

She stood up, took two pictures of them and shared them online.  She also texted the conference organisers, who were known to her, to speak to the two men about the subject.

The organisers spoke to all parties and the two men apologised.  That really should have been the end of it.

The women in question wrote a blog post a few days later, explaining what had happened and sharing the photo she had taken.  This lead to a public shaming and one of the men in question lost his job. Then the internet turned on her.  She was publicly shamed and lost her job.

What really annoyed me, reading this book, was that the women in question never showed any regret or contrition.  Maybe she genuinely thinks she did the right thing.  I don't.  Or, maybe she just wasn't ready to express contrition publicly.  Hard to say.

I can understand her viewpoint.  I grind my teeth when I hear offensive comments and I can't bear not to say something.  I get that sometimes it's quite intimidating to bring up the fact that you're offended, so you discuss it with a third party, like the conference organisers.  However; you do not share photos of total strangers online.  That's where I think she went wrong, in taking someone's photo without consent, sharing it without consent and attempting to call down the power of the crowd upon that someone.

The man who lost his job now has another.  He's quoted as saying he is worried about speaking to female programmers but that isn't an issue because there aren't any where he works now.  The lady in question had not been offered another job at the time the book was published.

Another person mentioned was further vilified after his initial public shaming when he did not appear appropriately contrite during his apology (which I guess means people had the same sort of feelings that I do about the female programmer).  The issue of looking contrite interests me.

Drowning victims don't flail, or panic, or shout for help.  If you're drowning your body won't do any of those things.  It won't be able to.

From this article;

1. Except in rare circumstances, drowning people are physiologically unable to call out for help. The respiratory system was designed for breathing. Speech is the secondary or overlaid function. Breathing must be fulfilled, before speech occurs.
2. Drowning people’s mouths alternately sink below and reappear above the surface of the water. The mouths of drowning people are not above the surface of the water long enough for them to exhale, inhale, and call out for help. When the drowning people’s mouths are above the surface, they exhale and inhale quickly as their mouths start to sink below the surface of the water.
3. Drowning people cannot wave for help. Nature instinctively forces them to extend their arms laterally and press down on the water’s surface. Pressing down on the surface of the water, permits drowning people to leverage their bodies so they can lift their mouths out of the water to breathe.
4. Throughout the Instinctive Drowning Response, drowning people cannot voluntarily control their arm movements. Physiologically, drowning people who are struggling on the surface of the water cannot stop drowning and perform voluntary movements such as waving for help, moving toward a rescuer, or reaching out for a piece of rescue equipment.
5. From beginning to end of the Instinctive Drowning Response people’s bodies remain upright in the water, with no evidence of a supporting kick. Unless rescued by a trained lifeguard, these drowning people can only struggle on the surface of the water from 20 to 60 seconds before submersion occurs.

In short, drowning victims don't look like we expect.

Rape and rape victims don't either.  A lot of people picture rape as being a stranger in a dark alley, perhaps attracted by clothing.  I cannot express strongly enough quite how ridiculous this concept is.  The person most likely to rape another is someone close to them - a relative, friend or partner.  And it's not because one day the victim decided to dress so sexily that the rapist couldn't control themselves.

I feel very  strongly about this because, when I was raped, the police treated called me a liar.  I find that more traumatic than the actual attack; I still have panic attacks about it.

I just went and wrote a review for that health centre (Small Heath Health Centre), which I am going to share here because I feel that they do deserve to be publicly shamed.

I was first assigned to this healthcare centre following suicidal thoughts and feelings of depression.  I made an appointment with a member of staff for 2:30pm.  He called me in at 4pm, and when I brought up the time difference he said "I'm sorry if that happened".  There was no acknowledgement that he had scheduled an appointment for himself that he had failed to keep - just a fake apology.

When I finally saw a psychiatrist - months later, after they sent me several unsuitable appointments with no flexibility - we discussed that fact that I am a rape victim.  I described a stranger - a "friend of a friend" - who crawled into my bed and attacked me, despite my saying no.  I am very precise in my use of language, and there was no ambiguity in my description.

I was sent a summary report which repeatedly referred to me by the wrong name and described my rapist as "a boyfriend you did not want to sleep with but willingly had sex with".

I don't know what kind of evil, incompetent, sadistic monster could have thought such a thing was acceptable.  Being sent such comments increased my depression, panic attacks, and suicidal thoughts, which you might notice is the exact opposite of what they were supposed to do.

I raised a complaint, and was not advised in any way that this would affect my treatment - I expected to be transferred to a competent psychiatrist or to another centre.

My complaint was never fully addressed.  In a phone call, the director of the centre could only bleat, pathetically "no one else has ever had this problem!".  As if that was in any way relevant or helpful.

The director of the centre also insisted that my records were correct, but failed to show me these records as requested.  This further begs the question of how someone could make such an appalling "mistake" as they kept insisting that it was.

Happily, I have now moved out of the area and will never be subject to the incompetence and brutality of this centre again.  I have also been advised that the psychiatrist and the trainee who wrote the summary no longer work at the centre; however, it was never clarified whether they were fired for incompetence - as they should have been - or sent off to spread their poison elsewhere.  I asked that my experience would be taken into account in future training and would be reported on both women's files, but received no confirmation that this had been done.

If you value your mental health and want to live, do not go to this centre.  They make it very clear that they do not care about their patients and are not capable of doing their jobs.  They also do not respond to complaints effectively, instead making pathetic excuses.

I would share the names of the evil bitches in question (I do try not to use sexist language, but come on), but I've hidden away the summary somewhere because looking at it upset me so much.

The centre has published my review, but edited it without notifying me that they had done so.

Anyway, point I was making.  Drowning victims don't look like we expect.  Rape victims don't look like we expect.  Maybe contrition doesn't look like we expect.